Today’s topic is trust because it’s one of my own main issues. It was a remark said to me yesterday that actually sparked the idea of this post. “That man really destroyed you”, someone said. And I thought about it for a bit and denied it vehemently.

It was a short but very memorable relationship I had a few years ago to someone who was very different than I’d assumed and the relationship changed me to the core. But did he destroy me? No. That’s a power I will not surrender to him. I was not destroyed but I was certainly a different woman, less sure of my own judgment and other people. On guard 24/7.

One single trust violation might completely destroy any trust you have built up. Or maybe it will be a small series of violations, little drops of water that one day turn into a river that will wash away your feeling of security and self esteem (like in my case). In either case, you can no longer trust people and worst of all you can no longer trust yourself. Your own judgment.

What can we do to rebuild trust?

If you’re a friend, relative or partner of someone who has a hard time trusting, you’ve got to do things that restore the trust. It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re the one who has violated the trust in the first place: You’ve still got a friend, family member or spouse who has trust issues and cannot let go of them and so the challenge is also yours.

It’s an odd thing that you must reconcile when you’ve done nothing. The person may have been hurt by someone else who is no longer a part of their life because of the damage done but the point is, the damage is still there, un-repaired, unhealed. The road to healing is of course slightly different for every person and depending on the act that has broken the trust – and who has broken it – but a good thing to do is listen, answer every question under the sky, be accountable (go where you say you’re going, stick to promises), show a distinct pattern of honesty and trust-worthiness. Be very very predictable. Predictability is worth GOLD when trying to establish trust.

If you’re the one whose trust has been broken, you’ve got a different job. You need to think through what happened. Don’t beat yourself up but really consider what happened. If you think about it, trust is not something you just bestow on any person you meet. You’d never hand over your most precious thing to a stranger because he or she “deserves trust”. Don’t put trust in everyone you meet. Your own life – your mental and emotional well being – is a very precious thing and it’s not to be handed over just like that.

The good way to trust is to have an open and honest communication. Tell your friend, family member or spouse how you feel. Talk, talk, talk. And remember, trust grows over time. You don’t go down the supermarket and come back with trust. Get more realistic expectations: We’re all human and we all fail sometimes to live up to what others want from us. Don’t expect perfection. Realize that you can’t ever control people and you can’t be there all the time, watching, knowing what’s going on.

It all comes down to trusting yourself above all else. You’re probably angry, disappointed, scared – but remember that trust comes from a dynamic relationship with someone and it grows over time as soon as you see a pattern of behavior that you feel good about. In the meantime, get your feelings out, write them down, talk about them and allow people to build the pattern. Take care of yourself, exercise, be good to yourself and let go of “How could I be so stupid”.

When you know better, you will do better.